A letter to my defined Solar Plexus

Where do I start?

The punches and rolls you give me, the ups and downs, ebbs and flows...

I never know where we are going. Never know where it's headed.

All I know is at this moment, electrical pulses are going on that I don't understand.

I understand only waking up with tears on the tip of my lashes. Forever thinking there has been something wrong with me, who the fuck wakes up crying? And then the next day, waking up feeling like I am on top of the world.

Our relationship has been an estranged one.

When I was younger, I wanted to rip out every part of me that I could feel. I never wanted to feel again. I didn't like the messy, slippery, undefinable emotions, but I was in love with the highs. I felt normal on them. People said I seemed good when I was on a high.

I believed them.

I would feel so deeply and intensely. People said I was being dramatic, buck up, and stop the crocodile tears.

I believed them.

For a long time, I believed that there was something very wrong with me.

Leading me to all kinds of therapy to FIX you.

People told me I could fix you.

I believed them.

I'm grateful for the therapy; I'm only saddened by why I thought I needed it.

I felt I needed it to shut you up, dear Solar Plexus.

To starve you to death with the words of my therapist.

It didn't work.

Mindfulness gave me acceptance- understanding, and love.

Still, it was a long process to even start liking you again. And I'm not sure I ever really believed myself when I used to say, "it's ok to have a bad day; there is beauty in the dark."

I'm not sure if that was just me, lying to myself, thinking, FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT!

No matter what it was, it did help.

To a certain degree…

And then I saw my chart. My Human Design chart.

And there you were. Defined from one to the other.

WHY HELLO channel of sensitivity and openness!

Hello, hanging gate 6.

I cried endless nights, out of shame, for the time I had spent hating you, ignoring you, mistreating you.

I grieved the years I spent thinking I was inherently wrong for feeling all the things.

I got angry because of the conditioning I had taken on that my feelings were not safe.

I have spent a lot of time apologizing to you. Getting to know you. Understanding you better.

Finding out that you are this unique part of me and that you are my authority. Holy shit, I was blown away.

Wait, what?

I am just here to experience the highs and the lows and not decide on the high? WTF? There is beauty in all.

And then I started experimenting with you. Making decisions after giving myself a few days, weeks, or months.

Finding that clarity between the waves took a moment, but now.

Now I don't know how I ever ignored you and the information you continuously have for me.

Now, I am deeply in love with you.

Even if my mind will chime in with its endless chatter and remind me of the conditioning,

I love you enough to choose you.

Most days...