Fuck, I’m a manifestor. Now what? Lone Wolf
After the topic of repelling aura, the next obvious topic for me is the Lone Wolf.
I'm gonna share a few backstories, and I want to say: that I don't know or think that everyone experiences the theme of the Lone Wolf as hard as I do.
As with everything in Human Design, we must consider the entire chart. I am a 6/2 profile, and the hermit is a part of me. I am now an adult on the roof, and I absolutely love my lone wolf existence. The channel that makes me a manifestor is the 12-22; I express and act out moodiness, passion, romance, and drama. I think this can make that Lone Wolf feeling even more profound and intense.
Let me know if you disagree!
So let me give you a few personal stories to explain where I am coming from.
When I was 15, I thought I would be a part of the 27-club. I was sure of it. If you don't know what that is, it is the "club" for all artists who have died at 27. Including Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain, and Amy Winehouse, to mention some.
At 15, I felt like the outsider, the oddball, the weirdo, the artist (even if I had no musical or artistic talents), and 27 seemed like the peak, and everything after was just downhill. How could I bear living a long life when I am so different from everyone else? How could I ever live a long beautiful life when I felt so utterly alone in this world?
I remember listening to the Nine Inch Nails album The Fragile and thinking it was written for me. Songs like Somewhat Damaged, The Wretched, Even Deeper.
Lyrics like "So impressed with all you do, Tried so hard to be like you. Flew too high and burnt the wing. Lost my faith in everything… Too fucked up to care anymore" I felt seen through this music.
And the weird part (not so odd now, but then), I liked it. I didn't mind being alone with my juicy creative passion for whatever I was about at the moment. But the world kept telling me I needed to be a part of the group, be like the others, and figure out a way to blend in. And all I wanted was to be accepted for the mysterious, lone wolf that I was.
I was a lone wolf, and it felt like something was deeply wrong with me. I am an emotional manifestor. With the 12-22 channel of openness and the 19-49 channel of synthesis. I can get dark. Real dark, moody, and stormy all at once. And that scared me, only due to the world telling me it was wrong. But that indeed was beaten out of me by nagging peers and family members, who were acting from a place of love. They wanted me to fit in because that must be what everyone wants?
Faking social norms and wearing masks, I was never safe to be myself. I was constantly being corrected, controlled, and moved by others in directions I didn't want to go.
Hearing sentences like "why can't you be a bit more like that person?" "you need to calm down," "you are too much," "omg, Jessica, stop caring so damn much," "you are soooo emmooooo."
This led me to dramatically share a poem with my high school class; in between classes, I printed out 32 copies and placed one on each person's desk. Because I was so sick of people not letting me just be alone, just let me be me. And that poem led the faculty to send me to forced therapy. And that poor therapist, haha; I know what to say to get you off my fucking back. Lasted for two sessions.
I am a lone wolf. I don't play well with others. I feel the pressure to be fake so that others will accept and like me.
And that, my friends, is exhausting.
Mechanically, manifestors don't interact naturally.
We live in a bubble.
We are not naturally polite.
We don't play by the rules; deep down, we just want the world to let us be alone so we can do our thing.
The Lone Wolf in me needs a lot of time alone; everyone does, but manifestors N E E D S time alone.
This can result in us suffering alone because crying on other people's shoulders is unnatural; we don't know how.
We don't ask for help.
We don't want anyone to fix or help us because, deep down, we don't want interference.
We might have a feeling of 'it's too late or in general 'you can't fix this.
We will ignore good advice when we get it; just ask my mom - because, don't tell me what to do (more on that in another blog).
But at the end of the day, we are not here to be alone. No one is.
This is where the art of informing comes into play so that we can create the relationships we need to play on this plane together. Inform them that you need time alone, and tell them that this is not an indication of you not loving or caring about them; it's just your process and not personal.
As an adult, I have been to various parts of the world as a coach. I have created deep connections in short periods, working intensely with people for 12-16 hours a day for 5 days straight, but I never continue the relationship - nor do they.
I've come to understand and accept that my life is all about popping in, creating a wave (sometimes a tsunami) of impact, and then bouncing.
Maybe this is different for the other profiles. Maybe not. But I have always been the person people remember, and that's terrifying and comforting at the same time.
I've struggled with this because a big part of me just wanted to disappear, to blend in and not stand out. I didn't want to be remembered because of the conditioning of wanting to blend in as a kid and teenager.
Now that I have come to terms with my impactful aura and the role I play in this life, I hope you remember me.
And when I say me, I'm not talking about my face, voice, or candor, but the impact. You might not remember me, the person, but remember the impact.
To be honest, there are days I still feel like "there is something wrong with me." Especially when I see pictures of big gatherings and read about people who have deep connections in their "forever" friendships with 15 different women. But then I remember, that's just not me.
Also, growing up, I struggled with women. One of the nicest compliments I got as a young adult at 18 was, "Jessica, all the girls hate you because all the boys love you." Now, I think it's deeper than that superficial compliment; it's my aura. It's the fact that I am entirely different from them. And I don't know, the boys enjoyed that I didn't want to be like everyone else. Or maybe it was because I wore "catholic schoolgirl" outfits. Haha.
Wrapping this up, I have two friendships that have lasted in my life because they honor and love me for who I am and don't try to change me.
The one that has lasted the longest is my best friend since I was 9. She knows I'm always here for her, even if we don't speak. And I know that she's there if I ever need her support and a dose of her extreme wisdom.
There is respect and understanding about who I am and how I operate. I know there is no judgment for not calling in 4 months. I know she knows I love her. She is open and honest with me. She will welcome my impact.
That is a fucking peaceful feeling. Thankyouverymuch!
And dare I say that I have started a few new friendships as an adult, something I never thought possible a few years ago, but still, the lone wolf is alive and well…
