Fuck, I’m a manifestor. Now What? Anger
When I was 10 years old, I kicked through a double glass door, shattering it to pieces. Why? My babysitter told me to go to bed before my regular bedtime.
Manifestors all have the same Not-Self theme of Anger. And the signature of Peace.
And I know many manifestors don't recognize themselves as angry; they say, "I don't get angry." Ahh, darling, just keep kidding yourself.
Suppressed anger is dangerous... If you are a manifestor and don't find yourself in the not-self theme of anger - dare I ask, how is your health?
Manifestor Anger. I don't doubt for a second it can be a terrifying experience for anyone around them. Still, I got to say, it can be pretty startling for me as well.
It shows up when it shows up, and it's like a volcano; once it starts, there is no shoving it back down. The explosion must come out (disclaimer: NOT AN EXCUSE TO INFLICT ANGER ON OTHERS)
And it's always when someone is in my way...
my husband asked one too many questions
someone can't see my vision and needs me to explain it more
driving in traffic
when I have the immense need to be alone, and I'm disturbed
putting too much pressure on me in the morning (or any time of day)
Or when someone fucks with my people - more so when I was young.
Instead of me spending 36243 words sharing each and every story I have about anger, let's do short summary.
Bit and scratched my teacher till they bled while dragging me, kicking and screaming across the floor to the principal's office for something someone else had done. I was 9
A group of us, ages 13 - 15, threw eggs at cars from a bridge when a vehicle stopped to confront us. While everyone else ran to hide, I walked towards the owner, ready to fight for my right to egg his car - yes, that is embarrassing to confess.
I have lost count of how many times I have punched someone and been punched.
People have traveled by bus and train to fight me from other cities, way before social media was a thing.
I was so violent in junior high that the school nurse called my group of friends into her office to talk about it. It ended up with me egging on a girl who climbed over the table to get at me.
Got in a push-and-shove fight at a Flogging Molly concert with 4 guys who wanted my amazing place. They told a guard I was the problem, and I got thrown out. I ran back into the venue when the concert was done, ready to beat the crap out of them, until my best friend held me back. Like a cartoon, he grabbed me by my dress, and I was still running in place. He yelled "JESSICA" so loud I had to stop. I was in many fist-flights, and I guess I'm blessed I'm a female because few guys would actually fight me. These guys, on the other hand, were skinheads. Pretty sure they would have beaten me up to pieces.
This is a tiny summary of my CV of anger outbursts.
I clearly remember the last fistfight. Summer 2012. I was 27. We had been at a concert with my soon-to-be husband and a group of friends. There was one girl who had done something to someone in my group. I think she threw a beer at someone. And I went off on her.
Now, you might imagine hair pulling and not blood; let me assure you - there were both. We were in the middle of the street with cars having to drive around us. It was bad. Over 6 different people had to get between us to stop it. Perhaps she also was a manifestor with pent-up anger...
And for the first time, I was embarrassed after a fight. But the anger was still so real. This was when I started to actively push my anger down. I remember thinking, "Jesus, Jessica, you are getting married in a month; you can't be a good wife and be angry??!?"
Not long after this, I found mindfulness and thought I could heal my anger. And to a certain degree, that might be true. The wounds from my past where the anger was so intense, they needed some deep love. And the non-judgemental part of mindfulness DID help me accept it, but still. There was a part of me that wanted to heal it away. To never have it again.
For almost a decade, I thought I would just heal the anger out of me. Then came Human Design, and fucked all that up. I learned then that, most of all, my rage needed me to love it. And to some degree, I had always known this.
Anger is my signpost; something is off, someone is in my way. It's a sign that I need to shift. Reallocate. Realign. Reassess.
A lot of the time, it's a sign I have not met my own needs. My tribal 19 - 49 wave will explode when I put the responsibility of covering my needs in the hands of others.
Just the other day, I was in this situation. Let's go there.
We hired someone to wash down and out our entire house before the new owners moved in, and I just had this feeling - I needed to go check the work.
I had a need. I had a vision. Call it an urge - if you use that language, I knew I had to do something, and nothing was going to stop me.
Now, I am a fucking conditioned manifestor, so I still sometimes succumb to asking permission. Or feeling like I need someone else's validation to actually do something.
So I told my husband last week before the cleaners arrived, "I might want to check the house on Sunday before giving over the house to the new owners." He said something like, "yeah, sure."
Then comes the Saturday the cleaners are at the house. Still have this feeling: I need to go to the house. I tell my husband, and he says, "that is completely unnecessary; we need to be able to trust the professional cleaners to do their job." And I let myself be convinced that he had a point.
I woke up on Sunday feeling so pissed off I told my husband again, I think we should take a trip out there, and again he said, "I really don't understand why that is necessary."
This led us to having a big fight, back and forth, and him finally understanding how important it was to me.
We drove out, and the job was TERRIBLE!!! They had barely touched the basement and had not even been in the attic. There were drawers they had forgotten, and the windows looked like shit.
My husband was embarrassed, and I learned a valuable lesson.
When I am informing - there can be no "maybe we should perhaps"
Next time I will say, "I feel the need to do this, and I will do it. Get on board or out of my way."
The point is I got so angry with my husband for not understanding my wishy-washy kind of initiative. He is a cross of tension and a 1/3 profile - he is not gonna allow me to "get away" with wishy-washy.
I need to be certain, firm, and confident in what I know is true for me.
When I listen to MY BODY, the inner knowing, and speak that truth as my truth, I think I will experience less anger because I will experience less resistance.
Or at least that's my hypothesis. And to a certain degree my experience.
Let's see what happens the next time I have a vision that can't be clearly explained why I have to follow through.
But at the end of the day, there is no goal to not be angry. There is no someday I will never get mad again. No. Hell to the no.
I want to leave you with this: there is information in your anger. Listen to it. Prioritize your peace and honor your anger.
