Fuck, I’m a manifestor. Now what? Emotional Authority
I'm not sure how long this blog will end up; we will see.
Looking at the emotional authority is messy. Because the emotional waves are messy. Muddy. Most of the time, I am in some emotional state, consciously or not.
We are told to "ride our wave" and "wait for clarity": what does that even fucking mean?
Let's dig into my experience and see if you can find something there to help you on your way.
When I discovered that I have a defined Solar Plexus, which means that I am an emotional, passionate, touchy-feely person, it made complete sense. I was the kid who felt so deeply and could be moved by anything.
I was the overly dramatic kid that would say, "YOU COULD HAVE KILLED HER!" when someone pushed my little sister.
And even more of a dramatic teen. I still remember the time my ex-boyfriend asked me to meet him one night, and it was pouring down rain. He took my umbrella, threw it aside, dipped me down, and kissed me. I took him back for all the wrong reasons.
I have always had a soundtrack playing in my head while imagining my life was a movie. Who would star as me in a Hollywood version of this?
Unfortunately, I also became a bit of a manipulative kid; I knew how to use my tears to get away with shit. And that's when the "stop your crocodile tears" started. Because how could the people raising me know when I was using this to my advantage and when I was just moved by my emotional being?
I've always used music, poems, and other means to move through emotional waves. I was the girl with the collection of Shakespeare's works in her bag, in 10th grade. Just because I loved being a bit mysterious and, well, weird. And I felt connected to the passion, the sorrow, the drama! Oh, the drama <3
Words like:
"Tell all my friends
I have gone to the moon
Tell all my friends
I will write them soon
And tell them
If you see them
That I am better left alone."
from Tom McRae and
"I'm intoxicated by madness, I'm in love with my sadness" from The Smashing Pumpkins.
Let me feel. Let me be dramatic. Let me be juicy and sexy and everything rolled into one. Because I feel sexy in my melancholy.
Thanks to Human Design, I have come to understand I have a baseline of melancholy. Is there any wonder my favorite CD as a teenager was Smashing Pumpkins' "Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness?"
I am a 12-22 and a 19-49. One tribal and one individual emotional channel. I also have gate 6 hanging out in my design moon, the drive within me.
Looking back on my life, I did not know I had emotional authority. Yet, I have always given myself a long time to figure it out when it came to the significant parts of my life. I've internally known that this was a part of my process, just never being able to point at it like I can now.
Like all of my tattoos:
The tattoo on my back covers half of my back, and it took two sessions of 6-8 hours each. It took 3 years from the first session to the last one because I didn't know if it was the colors or black and white I wanted.
The one on my ribs took a year between sessions for the same reason.
The huge one on my thigh is still not done. I don't know if it will ever be finished. That's a story of its own...
When meeting Eirik:
My husband of 10 years, I needed to know he could deal with me in my highs and lows - not that I had language for that, but I understood it was important that he loved me no matter my mood. Early in our relationship, I got depressed for 9 months while on the wrong medication, and he stood by my side. I barely moved from the bed and gained 30+ pounds. I guess you can say he passed the "test."
Listen, "riding your wave" is not a mental trip. It's not like I was thinking about these things. They enter my awareness, and I allow them to marinade in my solar plexus. At the same time, it does its rollercoaster ride thing, and then it's clear - this is it. And, indeed, clarity is not 100% picture clear; it's just a sense, an awareness that this is the way.
What is interesting for me is that it is in a time of flattery when I have not allowed myself to ride the wave. It's in the times when someone has been telling me, "this will make you worthy," "this will prove who you are," or "this will give you a sense of direction." Heeeeello undefined heart, and G.
I have allowed the flattery to override my authority, and flattery lives in the mind. Flattery is a dangerous thing. When I have allowed that to run the show - it has turned into a shit show.
Few examples:
I took on the position of General Manager with over 30 employees, 3 cocktail bars over 3 floors, a restaurant seating 140 over two floors, and a room for 130 people in the nightclub in the basement.
What the fuck Jessica.
This was after the previous GM quit on the day (unheard of in Norway).
The owners said, "we knew it should have been you all along…." I was hired as the restaurant manager at the time. And my GM had just left me with no explanation - THAT WAS A BIG ASS RED FLAG, JESSICA - but the flattery took over. It ended with me giving my 3 months' notice 1 ½ years later. Storming out the day of my last day of service after screaming at the owner because of him fucking with my tribe- the employees -and leaving him to run the shit show he had created.
Talk about a manifestor burning bridges in an angry rage.
Then shortly after that, not more than 6 months later, flattery yet again got me in the WORSE situation I have ever been in - opening a franchised coffee shop. "Oh, we have heard soooo much about how excellent you were as a GM! Your turnover was so low, and in THIS industry?! You must be a unicorn, and we would be honored to have you help us out. This is our first franchise, we just want to try it out and see if it works, and omg, you would be perfect!"
I did not give myself a lot of time. There were so many HUGE RED FLAGS before I even signed the papers. I pretty much signed off my firstborn without truly understanding it, because, flattered!
I tell you this because it is so essential for us emotional authorities (especially with no defined heart!!!!) to understand how flattery can override our emotional wave. It's so sneaky. It's so subtle.
And I say emotional authorities without the defined heart for a reason - the heart is the most conditioned of all the centers. It is the hardest to decondition. And it's a sneaky motherfucker.
Laughing at myself for thinking this blog would be anything but long.
Did this impact you? Give you a new insight? Fire something up in you?
Let me know in a comment below <3
